Thrown Off Course

Fatih is fragile...so am i.

Had a wonderful, wandering, thought provoking brunch yesterday with a person whose honesty is refreshing and alarming. We traversed the terrain of faith, particularly in its journey from the definite outlines of orthodoxy into a fjord crinkled place that we don't know now (though perhaps in our more rabid moments would have labelled heresy).

I asked a question. because I am interested, for myself and others," if Jesus is no longer lover of your soul, then how do you love that soul and sustain it...more accuately how do you sustain it within a community of faith still somehow hemmed into the orthodoxy.

words of community, compassion, living it out, exploration were voiced as sort of solace...but the repugnance of the sureness of the companions was clear as was the lostness of the boy within.

and then it was my turn to be questioned...and my integrity lay shedded around me, exposing the vapid nakedness of ego - not a place of comfort even when the companion picks up the rags and compares them with their own.

so behind the facade of leadership at this mornings service lurked the mind and soul taunts: why do i lead this double life? is it just self aggrandishment? is it just self indulgent inauthenticity? am i a fraud? is it possible to be "emerging church" but take money from "the mother?" is it just prostitution to use gifts in worship to run a four hymn sandwich devoid of files with .wav or .mov extensions...and not a real candle in sight?