daring to despair out loud

Yes, yes the three of you who read this - i haven't posted for a long time.

part of me doesn't want to post now either but I've been inspired by Mark Pierson's honesty and vulnerability so here goes

starting a new place is hard. very hard. all you have is a list of names and a list of tasks. no connection. lots of spaces in my head to fall down

the biggest space is the tendancy to despair - where is God in this mess....and today i have been wrestling with how to love people and remembering that Blacktown was like that at the start too and that loving people and not despairing is choice.

i somehow need to find a way of seeing and being that enables me to channel the source of love and hope until it wears off on me.

which leads me to the second thought exercising my spirit at the moment. I am profoundly bad at staying with process, at the not knowing the outcome. ironic when really that is what faith is all about - feeling around in the greyness of the journey. in a noisy inner world there is endless playing out of options and scenarios - practising for the real world at its best, creating the reality at its worst. i can't see how this can come out. and i'm really scared

i want to believe that it's who you are and that will be ok and mroe than that that by doing the walking i am also in the process of becoming so that the 'i' who gets to next year is not quite the same as the 'i' who writes this now. but the ever stalking voices of "not good enough" and "if people really knew" are attempting to entwine themselves in my path and what if these vines are stronger forces for the shaping?