The first breathing out

Sometimes i feel split in two - the rational part of me which "knows" - read Greek knowing - knows of or about; and the emotional or inner part - which just feels and can know but it's different. It is the inner part of me which causes most problems. Steadfastly refuses to believe that I can do what is asked of me. Tied to identity from the inside rather than the projections of identity from without.

Anyway it was to the inner part that the voice came on Easter Saturday - when i prayed to be brave enough to look in the grave - to see what needed to be truly dead that resurrection would have a new meaning. And as i drove up Woodville Road the voice came - "you are a minister". The movement from that voice on the inside to the outside has been painful - and has fueled the seemingly endless tears about releasing Blacktown. Part of the church has denied that voice - to begin with I was disempowered by that - it has taken till nowto be able to even address it.

All that is by way of an introduction to the words that came out of my mouth last night in a meeting that turned out to be the first breathing out of the new job - you know - the first time you stop holding your breathe to see that they don't like you. I am a minister i said I'm just not ordained - it's still ministry. Oh I'm not there yet - the lack of reconition causes tears even as I write this but the inside came out in the new role - that's the breathing out. Now i just need to keep breathing.

The Lord will keep your going in and your coming out from this time on and forevermore. Ps 121:8